The madness of this season comes to a close this weekend. Barring the CL final and who gives two bobs about it huh? pffft! Just a reason to drink or bet, or stay out late with friends. And then what do you do?
How will you stay 3 months without any football. (Don’t write Emirates Cup in the comments to avoid arsekicking by 100+ gooners. Simultaneously) How will you cope with empty time. What will you do with yourself (stop that thought right there!) and how will you save your family from the wrath of your abundant availability? As a good friend I cooked up a few ways you could survive the wait.
Try Bungee Jumping & other adventure sports
This will help you kill time and if you’re not really cut-out for it then the death defying thrills will train you well to handle the last 10 mins of games when Arsenal defend a 1 goal lead next season.
Also if you try Sky diving you will find yourself perpetually in arms raised position for long durations of time as you float through the air. This will train you well to keep your arms raised and support through the 90 minutes. Keep arms raised and yell “what the fuck was that ____(insert name) ” . Doesn’t quite work, does it? Yeah. Exactly.
Well tourism doesn’t hurt anyone. You travel, you learn, you grow. Also you spend, shop and keep cleaning your hands (at least some of you do) It will kill a lot of time just planning and then holidaying, and then when you arrive and stand in front of the sphinx you’ll realise that it’s not bigger than the Eiffel tower or Titanic but in fact just 6 meters tall. Now that reality check could be a sizeable shock as your kid tries to jump and touch it’s nose, but will also set the tone right and lower your expectations from our summer purchases this season. It looks like 70mn from a distance, its not!
Of course the super bonus here is meeting me (not mentioned in lonely planet) But also India is a vast country and travelling through its length and breadth will make you more tolerant to noise. E.g. In the taxi you’ll hear the cow, the honking, older engines, hawkers, eunuchs clapping hands and begging for money, sirens, and on top of it all the taxi driver explaining to his wife how he expects to get a fatter tip from you and then spend it on good liquor fish for the family in any of the languages spoken here. As you totter through the pot-holes, you’d be shaken out of your comfort zone and will reach a point where you’ll be immune to this noise and you’d find yourself saying – Alright you know what I don’t give a shit, I’m just gonna read a book with my ipod on. And that is fantastic training to survive all the shit rumors which will fly through your TL all summer and after.
As simply practiced in India (shown in pic) it means see no rumor, hear no rumor, tweet no humor. (now you’re thinking how does hands on mouth mean not tweeting – so my dear Einstein have you seen anyone typing while having their hands occupied? ) Now before you cook up a Bale joke … let me tell you I have a few up my sleeve, but not telling now. No. NO!
A diploma in Microbiology
Find a quick one and finish it off, or may be just download it all and do long distance correspondence etc and Voila! you’d be qualified to test blood, tissue, hair, urine and stool. And this is really really important. Specially the last bit. Look… you got to know your shit. Specially if you plan to talk Arsenal on twitter. Alternatively just read up all of Swiss Ramble , Arseblog and Dave Seager’s TL + blogs. But I suggest the microbiology course really.
Oh c’monnnn you all do it on twitter daily. Gatecrash into a random conversation. Call a stranger idiot. Pick up arguments and get into people’s faces. This video might encourage you to do more of that, or showcase some of the consequences. But do what you want, its twitter after all. Let’s make it more fun though next year. (Talking like I’m Pope pffft!)
Learning any discipline requires discipline (<wow look at that, genius, pure genius, take a moment). And you can’t learn a discipline without being disciplined about the discipline. But let’s not discipline ourselves about that discipline right now, for this is not a school.
Tell you what, if you learn about Photography you can master at least half the shit people say on Twitter and most of the shit Arsene says. e.g. some words that Arsene has stolen from Photography world.
a. Support (meaning a tripod)
b. Sharpness in the final 3rd (pfft!)
c. I did not see it (meaning my eyes are not a telephoto lens)
d. I don’t remember (my memory card is full)
e. Team (some people)
f. Shoot (hmmm)
g. Scoring (good shoot, client paid advance and sent some stuff)
h. League Table (there are many more tables you can use in photography)
i. Objective (Model, or sometimes just the food on the plate)
j. I could keep going on…but let me finally wrap it up by informing all that the correct word is Faded and not Jaded!
Work at a Bar
Not only is it a fantastic way of earning money. But also a great way of making friends. You converse, serve, earn, and perhaps sample some good stuff. Over the course of time you could become a bit of a connoisseur yourself and could tell a peated malt from a Spey-side one or tell your lagers from ales. You can then watch people enjoy the stories you tell them as they consume more and more. You can thank me later for earning through this fun job, or just for learning that you don’t care about the Cup you drink from as long as what you pour is intoxicating and addictive.
My bet is if you’re heavily on twitter and also reading this you’re probably not getting any. (My therapist told me to stop projecting, yet I continue… sorry)
Yeah yeah I know, I didn’t have to tell you this one, and you were probably doing that on the alternate tab on your browser. But now when you hear your door being flung open followed by “Sammy! What kinda project homework is that!!?” … you don’t have to look at the ceiling or think of an excuse for the sock in your hand… you can just say “this wise guy (that’d be me) told me to research this topic to learn more about fine art and correlate with other art forms like football.” That will convince her. Or will at least temporarily stun her for the time that you can find the other sock and pretend to go and play.
So yeah watch porn. It’s like a training to watch Arsenal. “Yes Yes Yes!” and scoring, it’s all the same in the silky smooth world we crave. 1-2… give and go.. I mean it’s all there. And I want you to think of Arsenal when you’re watching porn. Thoughts become prayers soon and you know what the power of prayer can do. Get used to the happy-endings and the in-game prayers next year will work so much better. Watch whatever you please MILF (managers *cough), Fetish, Torres on Torres action or whatever. There is only one variety i would request you to avoid. Doggy style. I know its popular and easy and you can rest your beer easily, but we don’t really want to come from behind all the time.
Visit Old Age Homes
Understand PHW. End of Para.
Ok I shouldn’t have made that joke, because now I can’t think of anything funny. Also forgot all the Diaby, Gervinho, Deadwood jokes I thought of. Let me go and wash down this terrible taste in my mouth with some fresh brew.
“Thank you for your interest.”
*dashes to throw up.